I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
next question.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.