BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer