[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
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I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Weirdos gonna weird.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.