Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
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I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!