No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I have no passwords left in me
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on