Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
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As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Day 2 of my diet
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
ibopfufen
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective