I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Overindulged this afternoon.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers