I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Oh no
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.