Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.