Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Wise advice
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears