restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
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Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
#titanic
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.