Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings