Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Bond. Trauma bond.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?