Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Just me?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping