[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.