Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head