“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…