*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!