ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS