When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!