my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
me hitting on a model
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.