Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.