putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy