People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
thank god the sign was there
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*