Message from the dog groomers
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gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo