How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.