A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Hot Hot Hot
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.