Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal