HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.