I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.