Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
6: are snakes just neck?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.