“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.