Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
my proudest tweet
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*