“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome