-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
This kid is going places
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.