Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I’ll be mad as hell!
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!