It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Camping tip: No.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.