[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.