The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside