the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I told my vodka about you.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My flabber has been gasted.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit