People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
(Jupiter –
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?