Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.