Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
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You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.