you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Every time.
this chia pet tastes awful
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.