Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.