” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
You Might Also Like
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*jazz hands*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]