I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
jesus, what did this guy do
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Think I pulled my liver
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
For anyone who needs this today
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.