Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The Weeknd is back
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.