I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
as is their right
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Woke up against my better judgment again
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen