Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
FRED: right
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard